ME (:
theresa.

Thank yous(:
Family
Friends
Singapore Disability Sports Council
Singapore Sports Council
Aquatic Performance Swim Club
Standard Chartered Bank
Everyone else who have shown so much love and support.

Thank you all so much.

BABBLINGS (:


BYE BYES (:

THANKS TO (:
niss
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I adopted a cute lil' emo fetus from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus!

Monday, January 16, 2006

Oh greaattt... so my parents know how miserable swimming is making me. Greeaaatttt. But they think it's best for me. Wonderfulllllll.

sigh. so. you're prolly thinkin. Oh, another of your emo rantings huh Theresa?

Oh yeah. Another one.

I didnt go for morning training this morning cos I felt feverish and VERY FUCKING SICK. i felt bad. seriously. aaanndd. parents think it's cos i dont like swimming. helooooo. in case they noticed. i've only not gone for TWO sessions for dno how many fucking months of training EVERY SINGLE FUCKING SESSION. EVERY EVERY EVERY FUCKING ONE.

damn. it..

this is WHY. everytime i DONT go for training. I feel so BLOODY guilty. i shouldnt you know. i should be feeling relaxed. and taking it easy cos if i dont. I SWEAR. i'll go and jump off a building. serious. im so fucked up inside. i feel like. like. im going insane.

you cannot compare, forcing my brother to study and forcing me to swim are 2 very different things. okay, so it's the same that we both dont have a choice.

but. in my brother's case. EVERYONE around him is studying. he has FRIENDS who are studying. and their parents are also supposedly 'forcing' them to study too.

ME, hm. i dont have majority of the people around me doing FULL time sports. and NOT studying too.

cant you SEE that?

it's so damn different. it's crazy. no one would ever think swimming 2 sessions a day would take such a huge emotional toll on a person. maybe i'm too weak. maybe i can't handle it. i don't know. i just. don't like this feeling. i'm thankful of course. to swimming. for the confidence, the experience, the obvious physical advantages. but. on another hand, no one would be able to experience such heart aches of not going through a 'normal' childhood, heart aches of such sacrifices that would supposedly pale in comparison to the fruits i'll prolly supposedly reap at the end of this painful journey.

painful. it is. cos of everything. physical pain, mental pain, emotional pain.

i wanna cry. i wanna die. but i won't.
cos i don't wanna inflict pain on others. i don't like to.

i wouldn't want to.

but when the time comes when i can't stand it anymore, there's no saying what i'd do.

maybe it's in the heat of the moment that i'm typing this. so. to my dear readers. please ignore this. i'm just ranting.