The Unbelievably Random Rantings of a Teenage Err.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Now I know why so many people seek solace from the Holy Bible. The Lord.

He doesn't judge, retort, scold, reason. Whatever. He doesn't. He just listens. I need that right now. Someone to listen.

So. Let's take it I'm talking to God right now.

Lord,

I just want a peaceful normal life, I'm thankful for the opportunity to do something many people don't have the chance to do. I'm also not giving up, I never said I would. I'm just saying, sometimes, I just need a rest. A break. A kit kat. (God can take jokes okay..)

I can't see the big deal of not going to ONE session. Really, I can't. If you could Lord, please send patience and peace my way. Send me peace basically.

Send me discipline (since my parents seem to think I kinda lack it.)

Send me determination (so i won't give up)

Send me all things nice and some things bad so I won't be spoilt.

Send my parents assurance. So they won't think I'll ever give up, just that there are some days, i need to rest. I'm not a machine.

I know, that yesterday was a rest day, but can't I have just one extra rest day? Sometimes when my body cries, I can't follow. I just need it to rest. Please, help them understand. My Lord, I want you to help me cry, because it hurts so much more when I can't. When I feel the urge to cry, but somehow I can't. Maybe it's the years of suppressing tears(for whatever reason), that my tears refuse to surface now. Maybe, it's ego. I can't stand letting people see me cry. To me, crying is a sign of weakness. Not just the person who is crying, but it makes me weaken too.

I know my parents are always there for me too. But sometimes I feel they don't really get me. Today, I just wanted to rest for a session. You cannot imagine how many swimmers are there every single session. I can't think of any. Everyday, every session. Not any I can think of. Okay. I shouldn't compare. They have school. They have work. So. Maybe I'm supposed to be there every session because I have nothing else. That's another thing I don't understand. The sports council wants me to work or study during the rest hours. Won't that make me tired? I mean. Most of the students can't come for training cos of school. So if I study, won't that affect training? Or at least make me tired too?

If I work, will I really have time to rest? I want to be at least 85 percent during training. If I work, I can imagine only being 70 percent during training. I don't want that. What I'm saying is. If they want me to train full time, why can't they just pay me for training. I know my parents feel I'll be wasting my time if I do it this way. They aren't happy when I tell them I don't want to work or study while training. I can see it in their faces.

But. If I do something, I usually want to do it fully. Wholeheartedly. I usually have 5 to 6 hours of rest hours. If I rest for an hour. I have 4 to 5 hours for work or study. 1 hours for lunch or lesser. It seems like a lot now doesn't it? It doesnt when I'm resting. Okay. This is getting useless. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. Scratch what I just said.

I want to swim full time. WHOLLY. Not train and study. Not train and work.

Don't compare me with other swimmers who have studied and trained. They havent gone as far as getting an Olympic medal. Isnt there a chance I'm not like other swimmers. Maybe I'm not one who can train AND study. or train AND work. Maybe I'm one who just TRAINS. or just STUDIES. or just WORKS. Hmm? Isn't there?

Even after saying all these, somehow, nothing will change. I'll just do what they tell me. Why? Cos they pay me.

Why couldnt I have an interest in finance, maybe it would have been easier. Work with standard chartered, train. So flexible. Its too bad I don't like dealing with business or finance.

If I could, I would turn back time. Back to 1999. When it all began. Things would be different now. I'd prolly be damn fat, and damn ugly(ier). and i can see. I'll be uber uber shy.

But you know what, somehow, it doesnt seem that bad when I'm feeling like this.

I KNOW. that I have a responsibility. That I have something to change. That I could change the face of disabled sports. All it takes is 2 more years or 6 more years to achieve it. If I could, just learn to handle it. Bring down the anger. Bring down the resentment. Yes, I resent the fact I have to train everyday. But ironically, I love it too.

SIGH. I'm torn I know. Part of me SOOOOOOO wants to know what life would be like after swimming. After, everything. Ten years down the road. What will I be like? Would I be happy? Would I really feel so much satisfaction that all sacrifice pales. I guess I'll know then right? Well, in that case. I can't wait.

Lord, you're always there for me I know. I can feel you when I talk to you. I know you listen. This once, I hope you'll guide me through the whole journey. Hand in hand.

When I feel down and out, bring me up and remind me why I'm doing this.

When I'm weak and not feeling up to it, be my strength and pull me (drag if you must) through.

When I'm angry and very pissed off, send peace through my body so I'll calm down and think logically.

Thank you God for listening. Thank you.

Amen.